A New Goodbye

Tick-tock goes the clock, tomorrow is the day.

The minutes go by and I watch as Sunday turns to Monday: Christian, Cj and I are waiting up at Nina's house. I'm tired from a day of packing, on and off tears, and nervousness for my flight tomorrow; but I can't go to sleep. The taxi is coming at 4am to take the three of us to the airport, where we'll meet up with Christine and Vanessa. Christine, Cj, and I have a 6:50am flight to Paris. I'll be back in California at 8pm.

It's funny, during this year I always made the mistake of calling the Malaga train station an airport. And now, when I went to type airport, I first wrote train station. Guess my mind is still finding it hard to believe that I'm going back. Don't know if I've really processed it at all yet. I did the same thing coming to Spain, put off the hard thoughts for as long as I could, then burst into tears walking through security. It's going to be hard to say goodbye this time. Already gave my farewells to my host families and Spanish friends. But now its time for the hard stuff. For the hugs that you don't think you can let go of. For the tears you think will never stop coming. For the see-you-soons that might never come true.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to go back. But in a sad way, a melancholy way: my life here seems so real, so true and so NOW. I don't want to forget, don't want to wake up Wednesday morning and feel like it was all a dream. Don't want to come to terms with the idea of "the past is the past, let it go." I'm nervous. So, so very nervous. I don't know what next year will be like. But I know I have people in my life I can always, always count on to be there for me. I have people who love me, who will stand by my side through thick and thin, and who will be in my life forever. Whether they live halfway across the world or in the neighborhood across the street, I know they'll be there for me. And I'll always be there for them. Forever.

Now wish me luck: I have 6 more hours till I'm catching my flight... gotta stay AWAKE!

Love from Marbella,
Shonabell

Last Days

Well, it's the end. Or, as Vanessa (who is currently sitting on this cramped bus beside me) says, its the beginning of the end. We're seniors: I had my last day of junior year last Friday, said goodbye to my teachers and friends. Christine and I said our Rotary-farwells this past Wednesday, giving out final besitos and saying our thank-yous. I spent my last night at my host parents house last night, made my bed for the final time this morning and cleared out my room of everything except a small pile of clothes that I couldn't fit into my trip suitcase. I gave my host parents a farewell gift yesterday, a painting with my handprint and quotes from the Jim Henson's "Saying Goodbye" song covering the smeared paint. I woke up this morning, packed and ready for our viaje-por-España-y-Portugal, and had a bit of a panic attack. This is it, those final moments I've been looking forward to all year. These are the days of goodbye, of see you soon, of I'll miss you and Tequiero. It's hard to wrap my mind around going back, of leaving behind this life I've built here and going back to the one I've had for fifteen years. I'm turning seventeen in five days. Five. I'm putting off my birthday for as long as I possible can, almost hoping it'll be forgotten in the craziness of travel and sightseeing that we're going to experience this trip. Seventeens always been the age I looked towards, dreamed of. It's the year I'd planned to have so many things done by: SATs, AP classes, first boyfriend, first kiss, best friends, college visits, drivers license, Prom… so many expectations, some of which have come true and others which haven't. And yet, as seventeen comes closer and closer, I realize how many things I've done that I'd never have expected: I've seen and traveled through Spain, been to England, have plans and dreams to travel for the rest of my life, I'm confused for what I want from the rest of my life, but I'm happy to live in the moment, I've fallen in love, I've made friends and family in places I never thought to call home, I've begun to feel comfortable and beautiful in my own skin, I know how to work public transportation systems (mostly), I've learnt another language and have the goal to learn many, many more, I've grown up and yet I'm still confused, I'm still me. Thank you to everyone for this amazing year, I hope that seventeen is an even better one. The future might be terrifying, but I think I'm ready for it.